She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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