First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
