I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
