Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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