hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
