sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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