I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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