listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
