Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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