guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
