please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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