You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
