Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
