He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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