We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
