Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
