I accidentally had phone sex last night
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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