You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
