2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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