I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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