I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
