Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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