The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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