I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
even my farts smell like vagina
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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