So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
