Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
