we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
