Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
