Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
