i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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