She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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