I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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