The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
