yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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