I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
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