i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
