He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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