Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
