I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
