i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
