I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
