I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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