Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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