You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
