My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
