If that was your dad, he is hot
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
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I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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