either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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