i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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