Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The chlamydia really affected his face.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
