i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
