ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
