i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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