Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
